The Death of No-Kids Me*

*or How I Came to Terms with Having Less Time for Me

"When I'm on paternity leave, I'm gonna have so much time to play video games. It's gonna be awesome." That was me talking to family and friends before X was born. I thought that those two weeks of time off from work would be easy. Sure, babies eat and poop, and I would have to tend to that, but they just sleep most of the time, right? Dreams of endless hours of video games, binge-watching TV shows on Netflix, and stress-free hours at the gym filled my mind during my wife's pregnancy. I was pumped, and...I was deluded.

Before my wife and I had kids, we were the very model of DINK (dual income, no kids). Waking up early for bootcamps and boxing classes. Going to the gym after work and paddling on outrigger canoes and dragon boats. Trips to wherever and whenever we wanted. Active in a young-professionals association. Having dance and board-game parties with our friends every other weekend. And eating out whenever there was a new hot spot we wanted to try.

After kids? Well, there have been changes.  Now, getting up early means one of the kids has woken up, and we have to try and get him back to sleep. After work, instead of hitting the gym,  I pick up X from daycare and sit in traffic for what seems forever. Instead of being splashed by someone paddling next to me on an outrigger canoe or dragon boat, I get splashed in the face by X during his nightly bath. Even now, as I write this, G is beside me, and I'm trying to get him to sleep. Everything revolves around my kids—when they wake up, when they go to bed, when they take naps, when they eat.

And friends? They've practically disappeared. Well, not really, I know they exist because I see them going out and having fun on Facebook. Friends barely invite me and my wife out anymore. And, when we do get an invitation for something, we have to ask a lot of questions before we can even begin to consider if we want to go—will there be food for X? Will it be too noisy for G? How long is the event? Will the event run into our kids' naptimes or bedtimes? Can we even bring the kids? If not, are Mom and Dad free to watch the kids? Would it be easier to just decline the invitation and stay at home and watch TV? We typically decline invitations to go out, and, because we usually say "no," we get fewer invitations.

As my wife reads this, she tells me to not paint such a bleak picture—we do hang out with friends and we do go out ("Arnel, we're not hermits, and our friends did not desert us!"). Fortunately, we have some friends who are willing to work with our schedule. That usually means that they come over to our house so that we can still get our kids to eat and sleep without too much change in their routine. And, after seemingly packing as much as one would for a small vacation, we do get out of the house with our kids. But those trips typically revolve around entertaining the children, like a trip to the children's museum or the local kite festival, and definitely still working it into their rigid schedule.

I know what you're thinking. We've crossed over. There's no going back to the fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants lives we used to lead, so why don't I just accept it and move on. Because that's hard when what I did has defined me for so long. I was a runner, a paddler, a triathlete, a Yelp Elite (ha!), an adventurer. To trade all that in to be a father? The transition has been tough.

So, what's the solution? Can I find balance between who I used to be and who I am now?

I don't know. I wish I had the answer.** Maybe the past is just that—the past, and I just have to accept that I can't do what I used to do. When I talk to other parents who feel the same way, I jokingly tell them, "Just wait until they go to college. Then we'll have so much time to do whatever we want!" But do Laya and I really have to wait that long?

For now, I eke out a little time here and there to enjoy the things I used to do. My lunch hours are devoted to running and going to the gym. If my parents offer to watch the kids for half a day, I jump at the chance. And, every once in a while, Laya will offer to watch the kids after we put them to bed so that I can go out for a late movie with some friends, which is great because there are a lot of Star Wars movies coming out.

Before you think I have any regret from becoming a father, I assure you I wouldn't trade my new life back for the old one. I love spending time with my family, even if it's just all of us passed out on the couch, sleeping away a Saturday. Even though I've gained a few pounds and the time it takes me to run a mile has increased, I'd still take eating dessert with my family and reading a book with them afterwards over running intervals at a track by myself. And, if I had to choose between waking up in the dead of night to change a dirty diaper and waking up in the dead of night to train on a stationary bike for four hours for an Ironman, I'd choose the poop every time. Because I know it's all worth it when I look at my wife and my kids, and I get that feeling that I'm building something great with them.

**Maybe you have an answer. If you have found a great way to balance the time between your pre-kids hobbies/pastimes and your life with kids, please let me know in the comments.